I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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