My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
