seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I look better un-naked...
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
