Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
