A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
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