i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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