you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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