So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I'm at about main and main street
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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