wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
