I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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