wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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