So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
