I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
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