I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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