Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
