turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
