Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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