Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
