The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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