my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
