Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
