I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Randomize