You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
