Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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