Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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