Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Randomize
