how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
