On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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