We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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