Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
