I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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