I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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