I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
She swung at the pinata with crutches
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
