Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
