the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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