You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Randomize
