what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
