my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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