In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
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