So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
