Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
