to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
