May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
