my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I haven't been this sober since birth.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
