Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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