what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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