Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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