I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
