just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
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