so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
