I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I got inside last night via doggy door
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
