i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Randomize
