I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Randomize
