im having a threesome with these popsicles
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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