my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
