Just cropdusted the office
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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