How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
