I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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