you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
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