i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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